El Quinto Sol

So...Fucking...

2010-03-06T23:01:00.001-08:00

...Amazing. Pretty much an angel's voice.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flJQVHXiuIA

The Long Walk...

2010-01-03T15:41:00.000-08:00

...into the Cursed Earth, is something that all the judges must do. What does it consist of? In a nutshell, bringing the law to the lawless. And so here we find ourselves, or should I say, I find myself, awaiting the law's decision on my actions. I guess it's a little more complicated than that.

I take full responsibility for all of my actions, but I won't always agree with their punishment, especially what's in line for me in regards to this most recent transgression. When someone's trying to do the right thing and just make amends and restitution, there shouldn't be anything that stands in their way.

And so it goes that if they find it a suitable punishment to put me away, I think a geographic solution would be on the menu before they can get their hands on me. I spoke with my roommate the other day and we agreed that I'd head for the motherland should that happen. Aside from my immediate family, there isn't anything keeping me here like children or a career, and starting over wouldn't be the end of the world. In fact, it might be kind of fun. So who knows where we will find ourselves in a year?

In the end, the only person that mattered was you.

One point on a map...

2009-12-28T12:46:00.000-08:00

...is as good as any.

Feeling different...

2009-12-27T11:24:00.000-08:00

...is what they hoped for us for the new year. Right?

If nothing else, I learned last night that there are some things and people you can always count on, some that you know will be there when you need it, some that insult you when you're already feeling small, and some that just their voice brightens your darkest days.

28 days sober and counting. Someone wise in AA told me the other day, "It's not enough to say you don't think about drinking, you have to actively think about not drinking." I'd say that's some of the best advice I've ever gotten before and I am happy to say that no matter how bad last night was, I didn't drink. 28 days. I'm either in a treatment program or in a zombie movie.

I think I can safely move on from that part in my life. Sometimes when someone leaves a hole in your life, you try to fill it with other people, but when they left a hole beyond repair, you just need to pick yourself up and move to a new patch of land. I'm not really angry about it; in fact I don't really get mad about anything anymore these days because my worst sober days is still better than my best drunk day. I face legal trouble, jail time again, and having to figure out how to save everything else I hold dear to me. But despite all of that, I am holding on to my sobriety with both hands, to the positive changes I've made in my life, and pushing past anything or anyone that holds me back.

Today is harder than yesterday was, but I am here, alive, clean and able to look forward with hope. Thanks to everyone who helped me make it this far.

At long last...

2009-12-24T19:13:00.000-08:00

...we come to the year's end. It's been a long one, full of change, full of second chances.

I must say that for all the talk of how bad this year was by a lot of the people I know, I think we're all closing it out fairly well. There is food in our stomachs, clothes on our backs and money in the bank. Yeah, I'd say overall, everyone I know is doing pretty well, including myself. I'm just grateful that after so much time of wasting away my health and sobriety, I can finally look forward to each day as another dry one. It's been 25 days, and it's nothing that I ever expected or hoped for.

If this is how the year is closing out, I can't wait to see what 2010 has in store for all of us. I have never been this excited to just wake up every morning, this calm, cool and collected, this efficient and responsible, and really content in most aspects of life. I think honestly that this is what life is supposed to be about. I wouldn't trade my best drunk day for my worst sober day.

Smile, because 2010 is right around the corner, and we got it on lock.

We stood at the turning point...

2009-12-18T15:44:00.000-08:00

...as so many before us had. I can honestly say it's nothing I ever expected, or could have dreamed of really. I think there comes a certain age when you stop and finally think, "Hmm...maybe they were right?"

I've thought a lot of times in the past that things were settling down, getting better, easing up, only to come back to a head and try to keep me down. Many, if not most of these times, it was my own doing. I've learned the hard way after so many years that most of your life is your own making, and frankly I'm tired of how things have been a misleading representation of amazingness, only to let myself screw it all up.

It's interesting when you finally wake up and look in the mirror and have somehow shed all ego and restrictions to you making the statement, "I'm going to trust in something higher than myself." I'm not a religious person, I don't believe in God or the angel I'm named after. But I do believe that there are things in this life you can't understand fully without some sort of belief in....something.

What does all of this mean? It means that there are still 11 steps to go. It means that mornings lately present me another opportunity to show just how strong I can be in controlling my desires and vices. It means that someday, maybe tomorrow or maybe 10 years from now, I'll have achieved most if not all of my goals in life. And it means that finally, even though it's too late, I can change my way of thinking and be who I always needed to be.

I'll finish school. I'll be the son my parents always wanted. And for now, that will be enough, because in a world of a thousand possibilities, I still just want one thing. For what it's worth, I wish I'd seen these answers so many months ago. You deserved better that I gave you.

"It was a Thursday morning..."

2009-12-03T09:33:00.000-08:00

...or so they said. Then again, I've heard that it doesn't really matter how it all happened but rather the way you remember it. My memory is better these days, because I want it to be so badly. I can't stand the thought of not remembering the last time. Of forgetting how amazing it was the first time. And most importantly, those years in between that meant the world to me.

It's amazing the little part that everyone and everything plays in your life. I can't stand the saying that "there are no accidents in this world," because by definition things that we didn't intend to happen do, and you can't escape that. I think that people look for purpose that isn't really there, especially when you don't believe in god. That being said, you can still marvel at amazing chance. The fact that I chose to do my homework at my parent's desk comes back to rear its ugly head 13 years later. You don't have to be baptized as a Catholic to take communion apparently. And what I wouldn't give for a drink right about now. Scary thought if you ask me.

I find comfort though in the thought that when all seemed lost, when jail time seemed inevitable, someone came through for me and helped out with all they had. I like that despite disliking my schedule, and with the help of my father, I still love the ground I walk on.

If there were zombies or pink robots, it wouldn't matter, cuz I got this.

When you least expect it, you can make it through, thanks to the best kind of accidents. There are things in this world to dread, that we all fear, and one in particular that stands above the rest, regardless of how much I plan for it. And still there are things to look forward to. A change in thought from the last few days, that's for sure, but one I'm happy about. Maybe they were right, that there is nothing to fear but fear itself? Who knows, but all I know is that for now, for this instance, with all the impossible factors that could have come together, I'll be okay.

I'll be okay.

"...and all the random stuff I do..."

2009-11-05T13:32:00.000-08:00

My family has the gene of insanity. I used to make fun of my sister all the time about it, when in reality, it probably skipped her. Schizophrenia, depression, etc., you name it, we've got it.

In all honesty, it makes me wonder how much of you is nature or nurture? But I can tell you one thing for certain: I am not crazy. I think what I lack is putting my foot down at the right time, easing up at the wrong time, and any number of mismatched qualities.

"If there was nothing around you, if there was no job, no house, no family...what holds you together?" Wise words. I asked two co-workers today, both of whom are married and I admire their relationship advice very much, just what keeps things together? There's a difference between stoicism and quiet anger. I used to lash out at the world, at people, when something didn't go my way. For all the years I was teased as a child, I turned into the same thing that tortured me and was a harsh friend to those I cared about most. In the last two years though, the one person I've loved more than anyone or anything has shown me that there is more to a relationship that meets the eye. That you have to communicate, you have to keep reaching out to one another and understand each other.

I just wonder if it's too late for her to see that I cherish every moment with her. I remember an argument we had once about "being enough," and how the tables seem to have turned on us.

The answer? Yes. YES! A thousand times, yes...but when you needed to give 1001, it just isn't enough. It's funny, I wonder about walking away from a lot, including my job, my friends, my possessions. But never would I walk away from the one person in all the world who when I look into her eyes, I see my future. I see grey hairs and and grandchildren. I see 50th wedding anniversaries and every imaginable laugh and good time ahead. Together. End of story. So when I say I love you and you ask, "You promise?" know that there is nothing else in the world I've ever been more certain of.

In the moments before the silence breaks...

2009-09-30T12:55:00.001-07:00

...is when the anticipation is the highest. When there's the most at stake. When you wonder how this fight will go down.

I can't help but think that I'm walking into a trap, and while I know I can face anything and come out on top, I think it might be a fight not worth winning. There are some loses that you can't stomach very well, and while you still have the chance, you should just walk away. There are dark and dangerous days ahead, and frankly I don't know if I'm up to the challenge...

...wait, fuck that. We got this. On lock.

The connecting theme among them all...

2009-07-26T08:35:00.000-07:00

...is me. I'm the only thing that's remained the same throughout all of the different avenues and roads I've navigated down in the last few years.

I heard someone say last night that they constantly thought they were dealt the wrong hand throughout life. I think it's the complete opposite for me however, because my dilemma is dealing with how I've destroyed some of the best things in this world. I'm beyond self destructive...or at least I was. If I've learned anything in these years alone, it's that I can see far ahead enough to know when enough is enough.

Or at least I hope so. Sabrina and I had the same thought, that people drink because they like who they are while drunk. They think it lets them become who they can't be while sober. I think it makes me funnier, more charismatic, but really, that stuff is already inside of me. So it's more a question of becoming who i want to be on my own.

It's early, but I feel like I've been sleeping for far too long. And I honestly cannot bring myself to go to that wedding today.

No se...

2009-03-14T15:04:00.000-07:00

...cuando va cambiar todo. Pero se me hace que todo va regresando ha lo viejo. Todo estoy ha pasado antes. Todo esto va pasar otra vez. Algo asi. Lo mejor que uno puede hacer es entrenar para lo inevitable.

Entrenar. Pasamos tanto de nuestra vida alistando para lo que tememos. Temor. Es algo de que me canso, y no soy como la figura padrastal de nuestra familia. Es mas, el ha perdido tanto tiempo en temer lo que nunca va pasar que su vida ya mero termina sin esena grande. Yo, espero tener una esena que no se puedo comparar, y si nunca pasa, entonces al menos he disfrutado en tanto entrenar.

Lo mejor de hasta vida ha sido lo que no esperaba, como los encuentros minisculas y sorprendidas.

"As far as I'm concerned, if you're home...

2008-12-27T12:49:00.000-08:00

...you're a part of this family."

With those words, I can sleep a little better. A long walk home yesterday gave me the time to think, maybe to convince myself, that this is for the best. I once said that I'd walk into my own destruction if it meant doing what was best for my family. And maybe, just maybe, this is for my own good too.

They say in slavery that the oppressor cannot take away your mind from you. Limbs, lungs, whatever they want they can torture. But your mind is yours alone. In this case, my timetable, my own plans are beyond their reach. And I can do more than just live with that. It actually brings a smile to my face. I think back to one day when an old friend had finally come home after months and oceans apart, and I asked, "How'd you do it? How'd you leave everything?" to which she replied, "I just looked in the mirror and knew I had to walk away." Well said, friend, well said. If you ever look here again, I hope you are proud of me.

The same music that's been playing over and over again has a different feeling to it right now. It's of genuine relief and at the same time excitement. A change of pace, something new, something I didn't want before but now want with all my heart.

Just look what difference a day can make.

When they lay down, the fish will swim upstream...

2008-12-24T11:14:00.001-08:00

Synapse to synapse: the possibility's thin.
I'm dressed up for free drinks and family greetings
on your wedding, your wedding, your wedding date.
The figures in plastic on the wedding cake that I took were so real.

And I kept distance: the complications cloud
the postcards and blip through fiberoptics,
as the girls with pigtails were running from little boys wearing bowties
their parents bought them: "I'll catch you this time!"

Crashing through the parlor doors, what was your first reaction?
Screaming, drunk, disorderly: I'll tell you mine.
You were the one, but I can't spit it out when the date's been set.
The white routine to be ingested inaccurately.

Synapse to synapse: the sneaky kids had attached
beer cans to the bumper so they could drive
up and down the main drag.
People would turn to see who's making the racket.
It's not the first time.

When they lay down the fish will swim upstream
and I'll contest, but they won't listen
when the casualty rate's near 100%,
and there isn't a pension for second best or for hardly moving...

Crashing through the parlor doors, what was your first reaction?
Screaming, drunk, disorderly: I'll tell you mine.
You were the one, but I can't spit it out when the date's been set.
The white routine to be ingested inaccurately.

You were the one, but I can't spit it out when the date's been set.
The white routine to be ingested inaccurately.

Death Cab For Cutie - Company Calls Epilouge

I'm a fickle person by nature...

2008-12-17T13:14:00.000-08:00

...or maybe it's nurture. But either way, I used to be a lot worse. This morning though, I looked out my window and let my mind wander. It hasn't been too long, but already I can tell that the feelings and memories of the past have faded just as far as they needed to. Like she says in the movie Closer, "There's a moment, there's always a moment where you can choose to do this, and I don't know when your moment was, but I bet you had one." My moment wasn't a singular event, but rather a clusterfuck of feelings that came at me in a time when I had the clarity to think through them all and process it all logically.

Hesitation. It's a tricky little bastard. Take the leap, run off the edge, and don't look back. Fuck hesitation, and take all those risks you never wanted to. I wish with all my heart that I could make some people understand certain things, then all of this would be fixed, but sometimes blood is not thicker than water. And sometimes, your best just isn't good enough.

I'd like to go down fighting though. I'm not tired, but I'm already exhausted. Does that make sense? I can stand, I can run, but my legs are falling apart. Coming out from underneath me, with nothing to stand on other than my willpower. It's enough though, it's finally enough. I said I was going to be this strong one day, and I finally am. For what it's worth, I appreciate the people who listened.

Smile, because the snow is gone for now and you can forget about you moment. I'll smile for both of us if you can't.

It's whatever you make of it...

2008-12-17T00:28:00.000-08:00

...and at the same time, there's nothing you can do about it. Figure that one out, kid, and you'll do just fine.

"Most people have a full measure of life, and most people watch it slowly slip away. But if you can summon it all up, at one time, in one place, you can achieve something glorious." I think too much time has been wasted in the last week and a half. I made a promise to someone yesterday that I would do my best, because lately I definitely have not. The phrases that used to get me through hard times were "It's just pain," and "What are you saving it for?" I think I need to get those tattooed on me somewhere. I decided that Friday morning I'm getting one on my wrist that says "2682" to remind me that no matter how far away something is, you can get there if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I love the winter, but for running's sake, I wish it was spring already. All I want for Christmas is a new kneecap. I think running again tomorrow would be a bad idea, but when have I ever done what's best? I think I'll take the amputee's advice instead of my own; run until I can't anymore, then run some more. My brace helps a bit at least. I just hear those words in my head over and over again: if you can't run today, how long until you can't walk? And that thought makes me want to fucking fight someone. Oh well, I can always join the special Olympics if they cut my leg off.

Don't get me wrong though, because like I said, I'm better than I've been in years, and it's all thanks to knowing how to appreciate what's right in front of you, and knowing when to let go of all the bullshit. Oh, and knowing how to wait for something that potentially could be amazing, with the most incredible girl I've known in years. There's a wall between us right now because of extenuating circumstances, but it's only a matter of time before I can keep on getting to know her.

Smile for me.

When you open your eyes...

2008-12-12T12:01:00.000-08:00

...it might already be too late.

I think I finally understand a couple of things, among them why it's so much easier to be closed off than open. In the last few months I finally became who I wanted to be, finally could open up to love someone and be loved in return. But now, an old war starts up again and I can't say with any certainty if I'll survive it with this open heart and empty hands.

My family is killing me. I did my own fair share of damage to my life throughout the years, but now I'm at a place I want to be. Or at least I was until this past weekend, when they decided to start it all over again. 3 months of sobriety and she knew she loved you; any doubt she'd had in the last few years had all but vanished. But you had to pick up the bottle again, didn't you? It might be liquid you drink, but it's bricks you throw at us. I can only stand in front of her for so long before you take me down too.

But that's what family is, they are there for you whenever you need. And if it means suicide in the sense that I knowingly head towards my demise by trying to help them, then so be it. Bad knee and all, I'll stand ready to protect her and anyone else who might fall victim to that bottle in your hand.

I realized something very surreal last night. I thought to myself, "How come I can put it down but he can't? Am I really that much stronger than he is?" And while he has issues that I can only imagine or find in my nightmares, I'm not without my own. Which means that something I always struggled for, something I wanted all my life has actually come to pass. It's the fact that I said I wanted to be as compassionate as my mother and as strong as my father. If in fact I'm able to put down that bottle when it hurts those around me, then I am exactly that. Stronger than my father. You know, it's not as gratifying as I thought it would be.

Reassessing the situation, I'm not sure now if it's either of those two things, what I wanted or needed. I can't figure it out. I know that I wanted to be that rock that he can be for everyone as well as the water that crashes upon him like she is. But now I see how much easier it is to get through these things when I'm nothing but a stone wall and a void of emotion. Do I give up what I've become to spare her? I think I already answered that question in this post.

So this is me...

...walking away from what I wanted for so long, in the worst sense of the word. This is me closing myself off from any and everything that could ever care about me, all for the love of family, to be that rock protecting my mother and the water crashing against my father, the golem they need to keep things together or to help ease into this transition. Whatever they need, that's what I'll be. Because that's what a son who loves his family , regardless of faults and flaws, does for his parents.

And in this corner...

2008-11-10T08:57:00.000-08:00

...wearing a smile and truly happy, we have the contender.

I can breathe again. No stress, no worries, no sadness. Just the happiness of the open road in front of me and the excitement that I haven't been this way before. Like I wrote before, I know when something is gone, but I just recently learned how to open up when something new comes your way.

I leave the party...

2008-10-12T08:25:00.000-07:00

...at 3am, alone, thank God.

Damn right. And I realize now that it's been exactly 365 days since my mother called me from San Diego to tell me that I had just become an uncle.

Happy Birthday Victoria.

The little bit of time I've got to spend with her makes me want to be a better person. I may not get to be around her all that often, but seeing her reminds me of how much she needs a loving family and the fact that she deserves the best.

I think it goes hand in hand with the fact that my entire family deserves the best, and that's what I'll give them. 110%. I know I won't have to worry about not walking, so I'll run until there's no more road in front of me to get them exactly that.

Oh, and if you don't care, then why are you still reading? Similar intentions? Yeah, I bet.

Get busy living...

2008-10-11T23:18:00.000-07:00

...or get busy dying. That's what they say, but does anyone really live by it? I think many just sit by twiddling their thumbs and hoping for someone else to fix everything. Me? I guess I do a little bit of both. Can you really blame me though? The odds are stacked in my favor.

Hope to talk to you again, old friend.

Truly Happy...

2008-10-10T22:51:00.000-07:00

...for a change. My dad always used to say be "happily discontent." I guess I understand that, because that's honestly how I wake up everyday. I thank God for all the blessings I have, i.e. my hip being okay, my family being happier than ever, etc. And I also think of what I can work on myself to make this life all it can be.

Not to say it wouldn't be nice to have you back in it, but I know when some things are gone for good. I'm just glad I didn't lose myself in the whole mess. I know you'll never trust me or believe me when it comes to certain things, and that's why some fights aren't worth fighting. But for those that do matter, especially to me, the ones that let me sleep at night, I know I won and made it through to the other side in one piece.

Life is good; nothing is depressing.

Nothing matters...

2008-07-24T15:35:00.000-07:00

...or so it would seem. Because there's nobody left. No friends, no family. Nothing.

Neil Armstrong...

2007-10-15T12:25:00.000-07:00

I want to take one small step forward. But that in and of itself would be a giant leap. I can't wait for my first lap around Greenlake in the next few weeks. I think I'm doing alright on the food/eating/weight aspect of being handicapped. We'll see.

Life is...well, good I suppose. I'm alive, thank god, and I know I'll come through all of this alright. It's just a little rough. Go fig. On the upside, I have a family who cares, and a new niece to meet very soon.

Fortune Favors Who?

2007-10-12T11:50:00.000-07:00

I am not, by any means, bold. That needs to change, because fortune isn't favoring me today. Money has been a problem since I abused it a year and a half ago, and I've been trying to keep my head above water ever since. Well, I'm tired of it and I need to step up and do a few things to fix all of my financial woes. Take responsibility for my actions, ya know? But also, step out beyond my comfort zone and try to be creative when it comes to fixing the entire situation.

Lonely - Akon

Coming or Going?

2007-09-28T12:09:00.000-07:00

I think I should be leaving by this point. I'd like that a lot.

2 months later...

2007-09-27T15:48:00.000-07:00

Changes? Maybe. But I can live with that. Tomorrow I will set off on a quest to fix everything wrong with my life at the moment. I can see that everyone in this world has issues, but mine are by no means out of my realm of fixing. I need to get shit together real quick to save the next few months from including a lot of headaches. I can do this, I know I can. Just you wait and see.

Plus, there might be something on the horizon with a certain special someone if all goes well. That should be fun. We will all have to see.

At least...

2007-09-12T01:42:00.000-07:00

This is not an illusion...At least I don't want it to be anymore.

What am I beyond what I've been for the last 3 years? I'd like to think more. I can feel my grasp on my life slipping out of my hands. This hostile takeover isn't what I expected. Go fuck yourself. I need my life back. I just now realized what's been dragging me down for the last year.

It's you. Fuck you and your mother. Don't be rude.

Tendras que regresar...

2007-08-27T10:48:00.000-07:00

We all make wrong choices in life, and even though I seem to learn from mine, why is it that I still suffer from them? I've never figured that one out, but I'm sure there's a reason.

You? I can think of a million songs right now to describe your situation. But one in particular comes to mind. Tendras que regresar...Or so this one says. It's true. You might be able to block that shit out of your heart and head with lots of drinks and a few other unmentionables, but when it comes right down to it, no amount of time will erase the error you're about to make. I wish I could see your face when you realize that it's the biggest mistake you've made in a long time. Then again, maybe I'm just being vindictive.

Hell, maybe I'm the one who is sorely mistaken. Maybe. Probably. Fuck, who cares? I just want some degree of progesss and some degree of stability instead of all those around me leaving. This world isn't meant to be walked alone. Except for me. I guess that's the hand I was dealt. Go figure.

You wept...

2007-08-09T16:57:00.000-07:00

...but your soul was willing. That's what the song says. I hear it every single day and only now have the words sunk in. We don't always regret that which happens to us out of our control, though most of the time we use the lack thereof as an excuse to cry about our situation. And sometimes, just sometimes, we give up long before the fight has ended only to lose what we started this struggle for in the first place.

I can't say whether or not this road I'm on will lead me to success or not, but I can say that it's a dangerous one and that at any moment, the ground could give out and I could fall to my doom. Let's hope that doesn't happen. Then again, that might have been what you were hoping for all along.

I once told an old friend that I wish I could say everything that I wanted to say all at once, then make any and everyone forget I ever said anything at all. I guess none of that matters now. This is a road I walk alone, for good reason and for all parties involved. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. I guess I'm just that stubborn horse that wouldn't drink when the way was shown to me and now I find myself looking for water at every turn. Like I said though, it's better this way, for any and all who might have tried to otherwise help. You were the only one I ever counted on and now that you're long gone, well, it seems as though that I was right all along. Everything and everyone you care about will be gone someday, and that day is what I dreaded with all my heart. I wish with everything I have that it never had to end like this. I just read Postsecret and I wonder if you sent in that card about me. It'd make me smile. And that's something I don't do much anymore.

My best friend and I thought it would be cruel to take a little kid's toy and yell "Don't ever love anything!" as we ran away with it. Now, in retrospect, it would have been the more humane thing to do. It's a lesson we all learn a little too late.

Makes Me Wonder...

2007-07-20T10:15:00.000-07:00

When all this will come to an end? Hopefully not any time soon. I just need a few more months and then everything can go to the next level. No joke, I'm just holding on long enough so that I can do whatever the fuck I want.

I can't convince you of my sanity. I can't convince you of anything you don't want to believe in yourself, so why try? On a completely different note, I feel like I ate a lot already but I've put nothing in my belly since last night...oh, wait, I ate 2 pieces of pizza after the bar. Damn! Good times last night though. The way it should be.

Extremes...

2007-06-19T08:21:00.000-07:00

I made the mistake again of not keeping my eyes open while the important shit happens right in front of me. Instead, I just blinked and noticed that things have changed, yet again.

I don't need security, this 4-nickle enough.

Oh well, it's nothing too important that I can't fix later. Go fig. Live your life, take your vitamins and eat your wheaties. God bless; play to win. And of course, fuck your mother.

Don't be rude.

Remember as a child...

2007-04-17T11:08:00.000-07:00

...they told you that you could be or do anything? They were right. But we don't have the foresight to understand that at such a young age. Of course, the same thing applies to everything else in your life. I asked myself yesterday, "How did I not see the steps we were all taking that lead me here? It wasn't overnight that all this happened..." In one of my favorite movies ever made, Cobb, a cat burglar says, "You take it away, you show them what they had," in reference to robbing a person of all their possessions. Bill, his bumbling apprentice, doesn't quite understand it all, but I think I get it. Like I said though, it's sad that we couldn't see any of this coming until it was too late. I did appreciate what I had when it was still here, but I don't think I made that clear enough.

The days have been getting lonelier and lonelier with each one that passes, and more and more friends are lost along the way. Last night included a not so pleasant phone conversation with a friend. I don't think I did anything wrong though. Or did I? Was I judging them? And if so, was it too harshly? I hope not, because last night I felt it was the right thing to do and this morning...well, I feel a bit more guilty. Whatever. People want all sorts of exceptions made for them, regardless of the circumstances and then when you hold them accountable, they get all bent out of shape. It's about personal choice.

When you read this, don't take it as me pontificating. If anything, I'm playing devil's advocate against myself. If I can't live by a set of rules and reason, if I can't live up to my own ideals, then I've got nothing. Like Michelle would say, "Don't judge me!"

I wish I had the contact info for Death Cab For Cutie, so that way they could write and dedicate a song to me on their next album.

I just realized that there isn't anything else left to say. I'm not able to "fix" any of this shit. I can't do or say what I want to make it all better, and even if I could, it's not my decision if it would be fixed. You only have control over yourself, nothing else. Free will can be a bitch. The more time goes by, the less I believe in God. Why would such a powerful being have given me the world, only to sit by without giving corresponding advice as to how to keep it, and probably take pleasure in watching me lose it all? All I have to do is speak up, huh? Well, sorry, I'd rather keep my mouth shut. The whole world calls me closed off, and with each passing hour I think it's an accurate assessment. I feel pain either way, talking to you or not, so why not keep my dignity, which I had sacrificed so many times before, and keep my fucking mouth shut. Like I said, me talking won't fix what's broken.

I want to scream at the ocean again. Even if talking doesn't make a difference, at least pouring everything I've got left into one giant plea for understanding makes me feel a little bit better inside. Go figure. In closing, I guess maybe all this is just the payback from the world for crimes against...well, everyone. I always said I wasn't the nicest person, and now I feel the same thing I used to do to other people. If that's really the case, I'd suggest running away from me before we associate any further. Wouldn't want anyone in the world to feel how I feel right now.

Eres - Cafe Tacuba

Daydream High...

2007-04-15T14:36:00.000-07:00

Is there such a thing as a "daymare?" And if there isn't, I think my mind recently has been trying to invent one.

Right now I'm just thinking about what the next week will hold. I need to settle some debts, issues and old scores. Like the sign says, it's not a geographic solution, it's an ass kicking in the planning stages. Hmmm, I wonder where the scarlet letter has gone? I can't see it anymore, but still hear about it from time to time. Remember how good I am at calling shit that's yet to come? Well, I'd say Hester Pryne made her bed already. Fuck this. I'm a little out of it right now. I'm kinda tired, considering we were drinking until 4 am, awake til 6am and had to be in Renton by 10am. It'll be time to go to work soon, and I pray that in the long run, that situation right there will be just fine. It's about sacrifice.

I could use some pho' tonight. After work, it's that, or some sort of food, and a bonfire. I bought a metal basin yesterday to use for exactly that, and it should be a blast. If you want in, just let me know.

Life is lonely at the top...

2007-04-14T22:03:00.000-07:00

Or at the bottom. Wherever you might be, it can get a little rough. I don't really mind the rain though. When I'm standing in it, I feel clean again.

I've been hit by a few cheap shots lately, including last night. Let's just say that any degree of betrayed trust is outweighed by embarassment. I couldn't believe the words I was hearing, nor did I want to stand there and have to answer for things which belong only in my head. I just want to stay away from that which I said all along I wouldn't want to watch. Alcohol can be a good friend, but it can also be a double edged sword. I think I made the right choice by walking away from it all while I still had some degree of both dignity and sobriety left. I left, went to a makeshift "Fortress of Solitude," and proceeded to get tanked. Made some new friends on campus too, which was pretty funny. Trying to light a cigarette while drunk with matches was entertaining enough, but funnier than that was watching someone even more drunk than myself try the same thing.

I made the best of the situation...can you really blame me for that? Nope, didn't think so.

Music makes the world go 'round. That's what I've been told. And right now, I miss my iPod because I want to be out and about in the rain, listening to everything I possibly can, since one sanctuary has now been converted into hell. I think I'll just burn myself a new CD and go for a drive. Like I said, I want to make the best of a bad situation. You really can't do anything besides that. No point in feeling sorry for yourself, but on the other hand, you can't subject yourself to shitty treatment by any means. I'm all about trying to collect what few pieces of my heart and confidence are still in tact and putting my life back together. I think it's going alright.

Smile - Lily Allen

Reading, Writing, 'Rithmatic...

2007-04-12T10:43:00.000-07:00

Well, more just the reading part. I've been reading a shit-ton lately, and not the stuff that's assigned to me either, just random stuff that I find. I think it's my new Jones I got going. I'm trying to stay away from bouts of consuming large quantities of alcohol, and thus far, I'm winning. I think. At least I'm not drinking as much as I used to. Anyways, I was reading random blogs online by hitting the "next blog" button on blogger and found a random post that really interested me. It talked about how at the time of the author's actions, they seemed to make her so happy. That the things she did seemed well worth the cost, until they vanished. An excerpt follows:

"Years and years had passed and she still didn’t forgive herself for the mistake she made. She locked herself in the dark and still cried her heart out. She did love him a lot. Perhaps a lot too much then he deserved. And there was no way she could fix her broken heart. And he was not worth her trust and love and he was not worth breaking her parents trust over her. She did learn her lesson to not fall in love again. Or maybe she was afraid that she’d get hurt again if she fell in love again. She was just a kid she had better things to do. She had a lot to achieve.

There was a lot of time when she wanted to speak the truth. But she never had the strength or the guts. Her life now was just filled with only one thing. That was guilt. The guilt of ever falling for such a guy. The guilt of breaking her parent trust. The guilt of ruining her life with her own hands."

I don't know, just made me think about a lot of the stuff that's been going on. We make rash decisions when our heart is hurt. We make stupid decisions that we think will make it feel all better. I think that the coke binge I went on a week and a half ago was my attempt at tearing out every stitch I could find on my wounded heart and seeing how well I'd recover. I did, mind you, and then this week happened. Quite possibly one of the hardest times in my life. You know why it's harder than the last time? Because the last time, I showed my true feelings. I wore my heart on my sleeve and I didn't have to worry about those consequences. Well, maybe I should have, but I sure didn't at the time. Of course, all that crying, bitching and moaning got me nothing. Other than an apartment. But that's beside the point. My whole motivation behind writing this post is lost already. But I will leave it up because I think it has a lot of truth in it. "There is some truth in your fiction, and some fiction in your truth." We paint the world how we would like to see it. I've always said that I'll think what I think because it'll make it that much easier when the shit hits the fan. Well, I’ll go on thinking what I do for now, because you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Well, I take that back. There are only some tricks you can teach him. I learned how to live a certain way for an extended period of time, only to have it thrown in my face. I thought we were making progress over the weekend, and then you had to show me the truth. The truth will set you free? Hmmm...I don't know how much I like this freedom.

"War is peace. Freedom is slavery," said Orwell. Makes sense. In war, you are free to fight how you wish, with all diplomatic restrictions removed. During peacetime, you have gloves on that won't let you deliver any decisive blows. And that holds you back, keeps you down, and won't let you show your true face in the fight. Me? I'd like to think I'm a diplomatic, reasonable person, but in all honesty, I probably fight dirtier than you'd think. I just read a post from almost 3 years ago and I remembered something truly sad. I was reminded that there were times in your life that used to mean so much, with people corresponding to that same importance, but now, it's no more. Go fig. I never mean to be morbid, sad or discouraging. I simply speak the truth. Or at least my version of it. And in that version, you're already a million miles away from here, having turned your back on me only a moment ago. How fast the time and miles pass.

Apologize - Timbaland ft. One Republic

Sing in the shower, dance in my boxers...

2007-03-19T13:25:00.000-07:00

Both are done out of sight from everyone. The way it should be. Some things are just meant to be kept from view. I realized this on Saturday night at the bar. I think everyone should have the right to their privacy, but also the responsibility to hide some shit from public view.

"If you ever have to kill a man, don't ever tell a soul..." Words to live by. But then again, 007 lives by a different set of rules, doesn't he?

True happiness is knowing that tomorrow could possibly be as good if not better than today, while today was amazing in its own right. True happiness is also a collaborative effort between you and your roommate's boyfriend at making Egg McMuffins which are bomb as hell. Job's done.

I just realized that it's the beginning of a new age. Whether it's just for me or for everyone, I don't know, but the wind is most definitely stirring and the leaves are leaning towards change. Call me crazy, because everyone else does, but that's just the feeling I get right now. I also get the feeling that I should start playing some Guitar Hero before it gets too late and I have to go to work.

Fear holds us back from knowing what we need to know. Other times, rash behavior makes us know what we don't need to. Ask the right questions, otherwise you might see or hear the wrong things and misjudge the situation. Life's amazing like that.

Song For Kelly Huckaby - Death Cab For Cutie

Solitude

2007-03-15T05:15:00.000-07:00

I've lied and been lied to. I've had my heart broken and broken hearts. I've sin and saved. So it goes...

I wish that I could be trusted again. I know that my words fall on deaf ears, and that you yourself probably hate me, or have hated me at some point. Do I blame you? Who knows? But what's for certain is that I'm not my harshest critic. I swear that those that wish I was a better person will always believe me to be the most horrible person on the face of the earth. And there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it.

I won't change for anyone. I have changed, but it's mostly been for me or out of necessity. And yet, somehow, despite all measures of change and all evidence to the contrary, I'm branded as some sort of sinner, as the anti-hero, and someone who is not to be trusted. I might fuck up the small stuff, but when it comes to the grand scheme of things, I can be counted on. At least I think so, but that doesn't seem to matter to most people.

I'm not going to sit here anymore and wish that people were more forgiving. I hear the morning traffic outside and with more and more time passing by, think it would be so much nicer to merge into it and never come back. There's a cozy little room with my name on it 18 miles from here, and the more people distrust me and make my life difficult, the more I want to disappear and close that door behind me, only to lock it from the inside and come back out when you can't remember my name, the time we spent together, or the pain we might have caused each other.

The only thing that brings comfort to me is the thought of a glass of Cuervo sitting comfortably in my hand. Not a shot, mind you, but rather a glass. Maybe then I'll have had enough to drink that I can't remember any of this, and I can sleep without the nightmares of my betrayals haunting me and the memory of you hating me can fade away into the night. Wishful thinking. I'm a horrible friend, and you'd be smart to avoid any and all contact with me from here on out. Because if you ask around, apparently you can't trust me.

If only I could play the piano...

2007-03-13T11:37:00.000-07:00

It's been a few months since I sat in my old room, 4 stories up, with the window open and heard the sound of music coming through my window. That day I realized there was a music school across the alley from us, and I turned everything down so that I could here those notes coming into my room. They made sense that day, as though I could have imagined myself playing the notes on a piano, even though I can only dream of playing in my mind. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wish I could hear those notes again.

"There's a battle ahead, many battles are lost..."

Yeah, that's the truth right there. I wish I had the same resolve while sober as I do while drunk. Last night made a lot of sense again. That's a frightening prospect. I stood at the edge of dock, and if you position yourself just right, it feels like you're floating across the Sound, with nothing holding you up but a few pieces of wood and nothing holding you back but the limit of your imagination. Okay, okay, so maybe one other itsy-bitsy fact held me back: I can't swim. A lot of people are baffled by that. I'm not. I just never learned. I can't play the piano either. How come people laugh when I say I can't swim but they don't think it's weird when I say I can't play the piano?

Anyways, the city looked so clear yesterday from where I stood. My head was really clear too. Everything made sense, yet this morning all of the decisions I made about my future last night are lost in an empty bottle somewhere and I can't seem to find where I put it. The bottle also had my resolves and courage to do what's necessary.

Wait, I think I see it. It's in the middle of the road smashed into a million pieces.

If life were a pool game...

2007-02-19T22:33:00.000-08:00

It would have been God that racked the balls and broke. But it would be all of us who take the rest of the shots. It would seem that we all are just set about to collide with one another and see what interactions occur.

Scratch.

I'm tired of letting myself down. I don't think I can be of any benefit to anyone else if I can't first help myself. I think I need to get my act together. It's sad, because a little less than two years ago, I could have handled all of this with no problem. It's amazing how much we can let ourselves fall from grace.

I just thought to myself, "I need a drink," but I'm not my father. Addiction seems to be my two steps back for every one step forward virtue has gotten me. I think it's time to get going when you look outside your window in the morning and think to yourself, "I don't like the view here anymore." Is it time for me to head home too? I wonder. I admire Brad for having the ability to head home again, especially considering it's hundreds of miles away. Me? 18 miles or so. But believe me, and if you don't, just ask Faustine, and we'll tell you the same stories we tell everyone else and we'll see what you think afterwards. There's a world of difference in just those 18 miles.

I don't know, I just feel disconnected from people. Back in the day when I first moved up here, I thought life would be better, and for a while it was, but now I see that I think I've done what I needed to do and the next step is going back home to help my family. Helping my family in turn would help me. I saw my dad for about an hour on Saturday night. He looked good, healthier, as though he'd been sober for a bit. And while I know you shouldn't live for or through other people, I felt like his son again and not the bastard child I've turned myself into over the last two and a half years.

My mom told me the other day, "You know, I don't want to say that your dad loves you more than everyone else...but...well, it's always seemed like your dad loves you more than everyone else." I want them to have a reason to love me though. Not just because I'm there son; family loves you no matter what but they also deserve a reason for having pride in you.

Here's my disclaimer: This blog is not meant to say, in any way, shape or form, that I don't love everyone I know to death. My roommates are great, as are my co-workers, the few people I've met through school and all those who've kept in any degree of contact with me from back in the day no matter how faint. And of course, the girl I love more than I knew I could, well she means more to me than words could ever express, so I think I'll just say that I love her dearly. What all this means is just that I think it's time I grew up a little, whether on my own or with the help of others to guide and steer me in the right direction, I don't know yet. But there's definitely some stuff to take care of, and it could mean a few drastic changes, from where I live to who I see to what I do with my spare time. All I want people to know is that I love my friends, no matter what course of action I choose.

Kick the tires and light the fires...

2007-01-17T11:57:00.000-08:00

"God works in mysterious way." That's what they say. Personally, I think it's a load of shit. The world should be fair.Or at least you should treat people fairly. You have control over your actions and that's all you've got.

My situational excuse a lot of the time would be the alcohol. My dispositional excuse would be that I'm an alcoholic. Make sense? I think the scar on my arm is asking for a better excuse than just that. But that's what it gets. Fuck it.

"He doesn't need his name up in lights, he just wants to be heard, whether it's the beat or the mic..." I guess that's how I feel. I don't know what I want though. I have a lot already, and I am grateful, but most would say that I fuck shit up all the time. Just look at the scars I have and you'll see it's true.

Life is good; this isn't depressing. But maybe our lives would be better if I never bothered anyone again? At least that way you'd feel safer and wouldn't think I'm a horrible person. You know what though? Fuck it, because I really don't care anymore. I'm tired of being a bad friend. No friend is better than a bad friend in my opinion.

2006-12-20T14:18:00.000-08:00

My mom and I sat in my car yesterday just talking like family should. But we talked about the things that nobody in a family should put the other members through. I can't say for sure if things will get better, but I know we're in for a hard fight in the coming weeks.

Reason. Reason. Reason. It's what my father taught all of us to live by, to be proud of, and to use at every opportunity. He doesn't live by that idea anymore. He might say that a poor man doesn't have the luxury to sit around and think the day away, but that's not what we're asking of him. My family and I want him to stop hurting himself and in turn hurting us, simply by putting the bottle down and dealing with his problems.

My family isn't the most successful or distinguished and I know that shouldn't be a problem, especially if we know that we've tried hard, but that's irrelevant right now. What matters is that we care about each other and want all of us to last as long as possible. I told my mom I don't give him more than 7 to 10 years at this rate. I think that my sister would agree. But she's a thousand miles away and can't see what's happening with her own eyes. My mom comes to me for help with all of this and I don't know what to do for her. I listen, I console, I spend time with her, but I'm starting to think that soon that won't be enough. The day will come when she has to make the choice to stay with him or leave, and I think she'll choose to stay. In fact, I know so, because that's what she said last night.

I suggested that she could come live with me, and she said, "No, I can't leave your father."

I have to stop writing now because I can't see through the tears welling up in my eyes.

2006-10-24T21:31:00.000-07:00

That's what tomorrow is. And I am very thankful. Because yesterday had to have been the worst day after my birthday ever. At least the first half. My car wouldn't start so I missed my midterm. Talk about shitty. I tried to get a ride to school to make it on time but nothing panned out. No big deal though. Everything works out fine.

Hope people had fun Saturday night. I know I did. Good times. I got donuts and Kara bought me a deck for my car to replace the one that got stolen a few months ago. Spent most of Sunday with my family and then came home. Then yesterday happened and I didn't have a great morning. Sabs and Kara cheered me up though in the evening when we went to get food and watched a movie. Tonight, I'm supposed to be writing a paper and tomorrow, I'm getting wasted. I'm talking trashed. Trashed. Trashed. Got me? Good. Anyone want to join, just let me know.

"You need to diversify your bonds, nigga!"

Damn straight. I'm off to engage in much needed scholastic activities. If you want to distract me, just call.

Accountability, Conviction And Time...

2006-10-11T20:14:00.000-07:00

The title of this blog says it all. Those three things have been on my mind for the last few days. Yes, things are going well, but there's always room for improvement. I just can't understand why I have trouble with the three...

Accountability. Simple idea, right? Wrong. It seems the world only wants to hold you accountable and when you try to hold it to certain standards, it laughs in your face. The golden rule: those that have the gold rule. Lol.

Conviction: You think you've got it but then the people you think are not judgmental come slamming down on you and your beliefs. Fuck off! If you want me to change, then come with some decent argument, not some attack on me and what I think. That's not how to work a tough crowd, a stoic jury or me for that matter.

Time: It's always a battle against time. It's the one thing you can't buy more of, no matter how much money you have. Fighting for the resources that are there but beyond reach is a full-time job. I like the fight. But the clock is ticking. In the last few seconds of the game, I think you'll see that I have the upper hand.

I'm becoming more accountable. I've got conviction. And time is on my side. Watch out.

I might even fight a nigga or two...

2006-10-09T20:47:00.000-07:00

Shit's in the works. I'm not usually motivated enough to get something like this going, but I finally "got my shit together," lol. So true though. By next week, the world will be spinning in the right direction again, and my life will have some degree of harmony to it that was lost some time around April. I can't wait until resources, people and schedules allow for some good ol' fun for a few days next week.

Keeping with this positive theme, especially after yesterday's blog, I think I should start doing some homework here in a minute. In about an hour or so people might show up at my house to play video games, so we'll see if I make a dent in any of this shit. I will, I know it. Actions speak louder than words I've seen, and I'm all about actions from here on out. None of this Jimmy Carter ceremonial bullshit.

"Mmm mmm...it'll get you drunk. You'll be fucking fat chicks in no time. You might even fight a nigga or two." Yeah, except for the fat chicks part, that's us next week. Two birthdays within a few days of one another, with one very special day between the two. What more can a guy ask for? Just give me a dozen Krispy Kremes and I could finally die a happy man. I got the love of a beautiful girl (who gets road rage!) and a life that's finally in alignment with some sort of planetary configuration that all comes to equal a really big fuck yeah! Yeah, I know you're jealous.

Just in general...

2006-10-08T19:04:00.000-07:00

A mind of your own? I thought you were special, I thought you should know...

That's how the song goes. Personally, I never say what I'm thinking. I get a lot of shit for that on a lot of fronts. But you're talking to a guy who was judged so harshly for so long that I'd rather have an opinion and not share it than disclose what's going on in my head and then have to stand up for it or defend myself. Can you really blame me though?

Nobody knows me. I can't say that my friends don't have a good inclination as to what makes me do things or what my reaction might be to certain events. But overall, you think you have some omniscient idea as to why I am the way I am, yet you don't.

Fuck you. And not to be rude, but fuck your mom too.

There. I feel better now. I don't mean this as an attack on anyone in particular, but I'm sure at some point you might have felt this way too. When everyone is looking at you and the gaze of their eyes is becoming unbearable. When their reasons don't make sense. When nothing in this world makes sense and you wonder if that means you're ready for the next.

Life will be better; I'm a little angry. Sorry, no happy ending today. Unless someone can fix my mess. I'm so close but it's like I've run out of gas a mile from the finish line. Even if I push the car past it, I'll come in dead last. Nothing could be more accurate.

Pack your bags and head for the county line. I think that's the best way to start off this week. Job's done.

The city...

2006-10-02T17:48:00.000-07:00

There isn't really any justification for it. At least not that I could put into words. I mean, you might understand if you'd been with me every step of the way, but this journey has been one of disjoint paths, forgotten roads and lost travelers. High casualties, to say the very least.

Wait a second. Maybe there is a rationale. We are creatures of reason, are we not? But it's beyond you. This charming wake up call that I got today isn't necessary, because believe it or not, this is always on my mind. But wait, yet again. We are creatures of emotion and irrational behavior. I guess that's my reason, and at the same time, the reason I don't need a reason.

I look at what was, what is, and what might be. I had hope for the future, but as I sit here waiting to hear the sounds of promise, my faith in tomorrow slowly dwindles and eventually dies. The music that once was sweet is now an anthem of dispair, only surpassed in volume by the beating of my fearful heart and the dread I repeat to myself in my head as I fall further towards my eventual doom. How will this nightmare end, I wonder? How will my story conclude?

"And I looked out on the great city as so many before, which held it all...and it was that close...and it was mine." Maybe one day when I'm gone that last statement will come true.

Work it...

2006-09-22T15:45:00.000-07:00

Shake what your mama gave you. That's what they tell people on the dance floor. For me, I'm looking in the mirror and telling myself to use the intelligence I've got to work through this ordeal before it's too late.

T-minus 5 days until I have to be in class and I hate that thought. I wish I was already graduating so bad. It'd be nice to not have to worry about anything besides work, because that I can handle. But poverty and education do not go hand in hand.

I can't figure out how to deal with this. Maybe I just don't want to think about it anymore. Maybe I'm an alcoholic. I just want to go to the store right now, buy a bottle of tequila, and not worry about this for a long time or ever again for that matter. Why can't things be easier for those who wish to do good in this world? Why is it so easy to fall off the path that leads to an ideal future? They say odds are if something can go wrong, it probably will. I figure because the universe looks at things objectively, while our idea of the "right outcome" is subjective and is merely one possibility of many outcomes. Things go wrong simply because we've narrowed down what we think is right so there's more wrong choices, options and possibilities.

I can live with a few other options, but those around me can't. I know this, even though certain people claim otherwise. Life is funny like that.

I'm trying to do the right thing, but it's hard. The world is not conspiring against me or anything. That's not what I'm saying here. What I'm saying is that I'm trying to do my best but the race started like an hour ago and I just woke up in bed with a cramp in my leg and am still hoping to finish on time. Life can be bitch sometimes.

Scott once said the world wasn't made for guys like him. I don't think this world was made specifically for any of us. So the question arises: do we conform to the way the world is made, or do we take it into our own hands and force it to work the way we want it to? That I cannot answer. I'll know in retrospect though, I can tell you that for sure. Give me a year and I'll have all the answers for you. In the meantime though, I'm going to have to walk this path blind, making it all up as I go along.

You did this to yourself...

2006-08-29T10:01:00.001-07:00

Or better said, I did this to myself. The world isn't conspiring against me or with me. You're right. No, instead I created all these headaches with either apathy or deliberate irresponsibility. I hate myself for that.

I've pretty much lost all the connections I ever had and needed. I feel alone and don't know where to turn for help right now. Nobody can help me though. The funny thing is, people always say, "I'm here for you if you need it." But they don't really mean it, because it's beyond their capacity to give the kind of help that one requires. I need some sort of miracle, and nobody but myself is prepared to try and make one happen.

I think I might need AA too.

I hate a long list of things right now. That's right, I said hate, and I know you're thinking that I shouldn't hate anything and that I actually have the choice to hate or not. But I already know this, because like I said before, I've caused all my problems and my only consolation in the matter is that I can focus my hate. So fuck off. I'm angry.

Sometimes I think he got off easy. He goes through shit, but still, at least they are there to help him. With me, I've got nothing. Maybe I should never have left. I love them, and they say they love me too, but I see it less and less each time I see them. Maybe I need to go away from them for a while for them to appreciate me more? It seemed to work for the oldest. Speaking of which, she doesn't call anymore. I think the wedding bells drown out the sound of her phone ringing from me calling.

This blog might have misspellings or improper sentence structure or a million other pieces of shit that you would change and I would too normally, but today, I want to be human and unedited.

The last few days I've seen things and people that remind me too much of who I used to be and who I never want to be again. The last 48 hours have shown me that I can't keep being who I thought I'd become because it causes too many problems. Today showed me that I'm always going to be running. And tomorrow I might be dead. Or I could win the lotto. Who knows? All I know is that there is nothing to anchor me anymore. If I did win the lotto, you'd all be sorry that you didn't say your final goodbyes, because there's a great big world out there like the one I saw on the screen. I need to see it. Fuck school and responsibility. If I could fall asleep and never wake up, leaving nothing for anyone to have to deal with or figure out when I was gone, I'd be in dream land by now.

I fucked up. What else is new. Realistically, maybe school will be a good distraction for me. If I can get there.

Everyone loves their mom's cooking...

2006-08-24T14:57:00.000-07:00

Because she's got some secret ingredient that nobody else uses and it just makes it so much better. Or she does something a little different so that it beats out the competition. And do you remember when your dad was the strongest man in the world? Remember when there wasn't a question that he couldn't answer? Those were the days. Why is it in us to not listen to them anymore? They had all the answers back then, so why not now? Or do they still and we just think they're dumb? I don't know why I'm talking about this or where I'm getting at, but it's definitely going to be on my mind for most of the day.

New surroundings. Hoping that version 1.2 happens in the next week or so though. But for now, I'm settled. Downstairs would be nicer and would work out for everyone much better. Trust me. 32 watt Logitech speakers can only do so much, ya know? Lol.

I don't want to think about money. I just had everything clear on the same day and didn't like the sound that the automated voice made when I asked for my balance on the phone. Sad day. Also, I had a horrible nightmare yesterday. Horrible. I'm talking like nails on a chalkboard scary. I don't know what the hell made me dream it, or why the fuck I behaved the way I did throughout the whole scene, but it was horrible. Hope that never comes to pass.

Every time I see you, I want to scream. I hate what you know, what you think, and what you've said about me. How about we play nice? No? Okay, fine then, I'll take the gloves off too and come out swinging like I'm Mike Tyson and you just talked about my mom.

John Legend takes me back to last summer. I think of all the things I've messed up since then and wish with all my heart I could go back. I could fix everything if only I could go back. But I can't. I'm here, right now, with the consequences of my actions to deal with. Where's God when you need him? Shit, I wonder sometimes what it would take to fix all of this, and I think that it's possible, it's all within my grasp, if only I can make it to this coming June. Less then a year, and then I'll have that dead weight off my back. You don't know how happy I'll be. It might be a celebration, but the occasion calls for black attire. How fitting. I'm almost there. Time to get started.

Life is good; this isn't depressing. I've got friends, family, and a girl I love. What else could I ask for? Watch out world, here I come.

Music scales and the everlasting sounds of failure...

2006-08-16T18:40:00.000-07:00

There are music notes being played outside. I've lived here for almost a year and had never realized where that music was always coming from. Apparently the house next to my apartments is a music studio. I saw people leaving it today with a bunch of instruments, and shortly there after I saw different people go in with more of the same and then heard music once again.

It reminds me of the fact that I never learned how to play an instrument. I got really angry the other day when my aunt asked me, "How come you never learned to play? Your brother plays the saxophone. Why not you?" and my mom replied, "Oh, he never said he wanted to." I always wanted to learn the trumpet or trombone but they were like, "It's costly to rent, you probably won't play for very long before you quit, and you already do Kung-fu." Yeah, so 12 years later that's turned into the notion that I never wanted to in their eyes.

On a side note, how cool would that be if I played the trumpet? My name is Gabriel, for Christ's sake. I would just walk around and be like, "If you don't want me to sound my trumpet and make some apocalyptic shit go down, you best do what I tell you to."

Sometimes I think my parents don't really know me anymore. I guess that's my fault. You think you know someone and then BAM! Like a balloon popping right by your ear, shit blows up and you never expected it. They're all different. Things are different. And you slowly realize that you life has started to pass you by. How sad.

To some degree, we all let ourselves die a little bit each day. We give away time, something you can never get more of, so that we can have money and sustain ourselves in this world. If I could, I'd by some property out in the middle of nowhere, build a cabin and live out my days in the wilderness. Not like Grizzly Adams though. I'm fairly certain he was into beastiality.

Anyways, it's nice that the apartment next to us is vacant because that way I can leave my window open all the time and enjoy the fresh air, coupled with the sounds of classical music streaming through the neighborhood right to this spot where I'm writing to you.

When things are hectic like now, I like to just remember one thing: "It can't rain all the time. The stars won't cry forever. And since the night is young, I won't feel pain forever." Of course, that thought right there leads me to remember another, which is that life is good; this isn't depressing. You should remember that, especially now, because I don't think we'll ever remind each other of that fact again. At least I don't think so. I could be wrong. Go fig.

Smile, because you've probably got your health and youth, which is more than most people can say. You're probably my friend if you're reading this, so just know that the next time I see you all, I'll remember to smile back.

Thy kingdom come...

2006-08-05T12:49:00.000-07:00

But let my will be done. Your life is in your own hands. Take charge and make it what you want.

I know I have. I've done what I needed to secure the near future and then some. I must say that it feels good to have some degree of certainty. The wise man rises early and brings in the harvest. The fool slumbers while the sun sits in the sky and seeks the vices of the night. Proverbs, I think. I've always been bad with remembering certain things. Religion would be one of them. I have an interesting take on God and whatnot, if you ever want to hear.

As for family, well, in about an hour, I'm watching my sister get married. Not much else to say on that other than it's exciting, as well as a sign of the changes which my family has gone through over the last few years. For all the shit I talk about dealing with my family, I love them more than you'd ever know.

School is still in the works. We'll see how that pans out. Work is fine, especially considering I got a raise. And friends couldn't be better. I made a friend a "Shit's wack but your friends got your back party pack" the other day. It included an AMC Theater gift card, a can of soup, a CD and a pint of SoCo. Because sometimes you hit a rough patch and need some goodies to cheer you up.

On a quick note and the flip side, sometimes I trust too much. You shouldn't judge someone who trusts you more than they should already. But I guess that's what I owe you. Now that I think about it though, I'd say my debt is paid. What we did is in the past, but what you think of me still lingers. I guess I know where I stand in your mind's eye. Other than that, I love all my friends. I don't know where I'd be without the help of The Captain, Sabs, Drew and Linger.

Right now, the wind is coming through my 4th story window and it feels as good as if I were on a ship in the middle of the ocean. My dad will be here shortly. We'll watch the ceremony and then I'm headed to Di's house. Should be a great day. Hope you have the same.

Bang, Bang - Nancy Sinatra

Free

2006-08-01T12:13:00.000-07:00

Finally, I'm free. And I feel a sense of excitement within myself for it. This could be good. So very good. No, it is good. And I have a million people and things to thank for it, starting with us. Life is good, especially with loved ones around.

Make a deal...

2006-07-28T10:56:00.000-07:00

And you have to abide by the terms. Of course, there is always the option of breaking the rules, and I think I excel at that.

I think I meet the same people over and over again in my life. It's as though there are only a few people that have ever come into it and they just keep changing their faces. Up until now, I hadn't really taken note of that fact, and this morning, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Collaboration is what I feel here. People make a great team sometimes. I hate it though. For once, let's just say "Fuck teamwork" and get on with our lives and get the hell out of this "Truman Show" existence. I walk this path that I've made for myself, and yet I look for other ways to get to the end. Maybe next time I drive, I won't get pulled over but instead I'll finish the job I started when I was 13.

2006-07-24T00:22:00.000-07:00

You want the truth???

You can't handle the truth!

Red Hot...

2006-06-28T12:30:00.000-07:00

I've realized that I've got anger issues. I'm turning into what my genes have forecasted. I hate it. And that's the irony.

Goodbyes can be informal.

It's been a while, that's for sure. I can feel both my fists clenching, and the tears welling up. It's a scary feeling, this loss of control. That's the problem, this loss of control. The only way I can see of overcoming this problem is planning; I was never any good at it though.

I'll figure it all out. I always have, and I always will. I do have an itinerary. I just haven't figured out when the return flight is. ETA? That's still to be determined. Just pray I can keep my smile on long enough...until I'm gone. I envy you, and your opportunities.

When I take off my glasses, I can't see anything clearly beyond a few inches from my face. I don't think there's a prescription for my actions, because I've tried and tried, yet I can't seem to see the near future with any degree of certainty or clarity.

Remember what I said: goodbyes can be informal. But they also aren't a requisite. Here's to tonight, whatever it may bring. Hopefully a peaceful night of sleep, if not some hilarity. Because tomorrow might not ever get here, or it might have any ugly face you never imagined and don't recognize.

John Legend - I Can Change

My dreamcatcher's got a whole in it...

2006-05-30T13:55:00.000-07:00

I keep having insanely realistic dreams. I thought tonight that maybe someone was actually in my room and what I dreamed actually happened. Sad day. Oh well, no harm done. One dream does come true though next week, when The Captain comes home. Hilarity must ensue when she comes back, because we all miss her more than she'll ever know. I mean everyone, because we mobb deep. Lol. Anyways, it's time to hit the shower and get this piece going for my evening requirements. Fuck it though, because I want and need to be there. Let's roll!

2006-05-26T13:02:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we try to hard to please,
We should let it all come naturally,
And sometimes I don't know just what you really do to me,
That is okay, because it's all part of the mystery...

Life is moving along well. I just have some business items to handle, and then we'll be set. I love my life, but I have to admit that it wasn't always the case. Being alone, being left to contemplate your failures, and having to fend for yourself is an interesting way to come to the point where I find my mindset. There were days where I wanted to give up, and there have been disaters and failures of which I'm still dealing with the ramifications.

Forget all that though, I'm happy right now. My friend comes home in less than 2 weeks and I couldn't be more excited to see her. I think I finally got the hang of this whole living thing.

Happy birthday...

2006-05-16T12:01:00.000-07:00

You would have been 5. What a loss of potential, but never again, and I sincerely mean that. I'll blow out your candles for you, and I might see you sooner than you think.

I see it right there...

2006-05-10T12:27:00.000-07:00

Right in front of me. But it's as though it weren't real.

"History will absolve me." My dad always quotes that by Fidel Castro. I wish it were true. They say history is a set of lies that men have agreed upon. That seems more fitting, since the point of view it is told from is that of the victors and conquerors. Where does that leave my history? Do I tell it the way I remember it, or are you going to have your own version?

I've got my own version of your history. If this is how I tell it, and if any of it's true, then you should pray for absolution.

Time Is Running Out - Muse

2006-05-09T12:05:00.000-07:00

I suggest we fix all this mess...

Oh, wait, I don't have the tools. So fuck you and all your ideals, because my reality has slipped into a hell unlike you've ever known. At least you have your distractions and future still ahead of you. Me? All I've got is the here and now. So forget my future, or having anything to do with it, because all I want is to make it through today.

2006-04-27T15:48:00.000-07:00

Make new friends...

But keep the old; some are silver and the others gold.

Keeping with that same line of thinking, you should also make new memories. But keep the old ones as well. They make you who you are. What about the bad ones though? What about all the things that you wish you could forget? What about all the people who've come into your life only to make it that much more difficult?

I say fuck it. We define our own reality. We make this life into what we want it to be. At least most of us. Even if you don't know it, your negativity manifests itself into your reality. So does your positive thinking. I've had just about enough of the negative side. I want to start thinking in a more positive manner...

...but I'm scared. Scared that the moment I do, it'll all vanish from existence and I'll be left empty handed. I think that's what history has shown me, so that's what I expect. That's what I anticipate, what I fear. One of my other biggest fears is to get the shit kicked out of me one day. Everyone I tell that to laughs, and they say, "But don't you know how to fight?" Yeah, I do, but I don't like to and I always think that my fear of having to fight will overwhelm my ability to do so. Of course, that's only when I'm sober, otherwise fighting Adam Linger, Kelli and Andrew is fair game. Or maybe just a good game.

Either way, I'm headed to Kung-Fu in a bit. I really feeling like going today, which isn't always the case. But I really want to be there, especially compared to campus. Seeing all the good looking people makes me feel inferior. Of course, I do have every right to sing one of my favorite songs and mean every word of it: "A mujeres no faltan, ni el dinero, ni el amor..." Then again, I've been wrong before, and now that I think about it, all I've got is the middle one. Fuck.

Happens All The Time - Cold

2006-04-25T14:05:00.000-07:00

I found a map...

It's called intuition. I just went with it. And we'll see what road it leads me down. Life is good.

I still want to go sky diving. It would probably make me shit my pants, but I would still do it. I have always thought of asking scary questions as jumping off a cliff, or base jumping. God knows if your parachute will open, but you have to jump off to find out.

I jumped today, and it all went fine. Nothing left to do but see where the wind blows and where I land.

Remember The Name - Fort Minor

2006-04-18T12:06:00.000-07:00

Many roads left to travel, that's my diagnosis of the situation...

One of my favorite movies in the world is "What Dreams May Come," because of how it displays the thoughts of one man in regards to that which he holds most dearly. I said I'd fight before I lost a family member, and now it would seem that they are out of danger. We are there to help them through, and nothing will take them away again. Winner: My family and myself.

But this whole ordeal got me thinking about what fights to pick. Do you fight to keep what you have, to get back what you already had, or what you want to have? It's a tricky question, and I think that is because the level to which you struggle for all three of those things varies greatly. I was on the phone with Michelle a little while ago and I realized that some things are already gone, already lost, and there seemingly isn't any way to get them back. I'm fighting a title bout here and I'm not training 1/3 of the time. It's a hard fight, with tough numbers to measure up to. I don't know if I can. More importantly, I don't know if I should. Only time will tell how this all plays out.

Recently I wrote a post about fighting for what I want. I struggled with my family and we all came out on top. But this fight, this recently realized struggle, it's different. What I mean is, I shouldn't pick stupid fights. I shouldn't pick things that are futile. Is this new bout a lost cause? I don't know.

On to other business...I wish people would stop lying to themselves. It gets me angry. Don't come to me for help when you know you're not going to listen to the advice I have to offer you. If you want a shoulder to cry on, then I'll be that for you. If you want advice, then I'll give it to you. But don't ask for advice and then do the exact opposite, only to come back to me a little while later and cry some more. That's not how I operate. Shit. It's frustrating. You know what else is frustrating? Being accused of something that I didn't do, and as a result, people being unjustifiably mad with me when in reality I've committed no injustice to them. I think that one boils down to jealousy on their part.

Sorry, that last part there was my rant for the time being. Everything has gotten better, especially after last weekend. I needed help, and found it in the most unlikely of places, here with a roommate. She made me feel alive again, like the world had hope in it and was ready for the taking, provided I just took some action myself.

My world has stopped spinning. I just need to figure out which road I want to take in regards to a few people, and then I'll be set. There's nothing I can't handle. Life is good and this isn't depressing. It's my declaration of sincere joy and being content with this life I live. The only thing I can think of that would make it better is if I had another person to share my joy with besides my friends and family. But that's yet another fight, for another day. Well, more like a search I have yet to start.

I hope everyone else out there is feeling as good as I do right now. If not, I'll help in any way I can, but don't expect me to come find you.

2006-04-18T08:47:00.000-07:00

Lying in your arms, so close together...

Didn't know just what I had. That's what the song says. And really, I do miss her badly. I'll admit that here. I'm going crazy, wondering what the future brings. But the good thing is I'm over the slump that I found myself in this past weekend. Man, I never saw any of that stuff coming, but now I feel as though I'm a stronger person for it all. I love my family more than they'll ever know.

The one future event I can't figure out is what it's all going to be like in the summer. In comparison to last summer, it'll be a weird, alternate reality of sorts. Living in the old place, but with a different person, with a different set up and different, new people. Bizarre. But still, they'll be the people I love and want to be around. I really want a place to live where I feel comfortable. I don't feel that here, and I really want back in to where we used to live.

Most of all, I just want her to come home.

2006-03-21T14:18:00.000-08:00

"Nothing we encounter in this life is enough..."

...nothing completely satisfies us. It only lasts for a few moments, and then it's gone. Like this kiss."

That's a rough translation, mind you. But no other words could express what I've realized in the last hour. Maybe it's all because of the situations at hand. Maybe it's because I'm still a little sleepy. Or maybe because it's the truth. The truth. Nobody can tell you what the truth is except for yourself, because everyone in the world has their own personal truth that they live by. They say that nothing lasts forever. That all good things must come to an end. I'd like to think though that maybe you can remember some of the better parts of your life and times. Funny though, because I have a horrible memory.

I won't trivialize this with any sort of countdown or naming names. Just know that to me, the world is something so beautiful that some people, like me, will never be able to look at it without being blinded by its brilliance. That to some of us, the world and everyone in it aren't meant to understand our points of view, our experiences and our thought process. Maybe it's because I don't tell anyone what I'm truly thinking. I've been called closed off. I like to think I can keep a secret. I like to think that to some extent, while I surround myself with friends and laughter, that if they all disappeared one day, I'd make it on my own. I know that they won't all vanish on me, but I just might vanish on them.

My mom told me some stuff yesterday that happened over a year ago that made me choke up and nearly swallow my tongue, with tears on the edge of my eyelids. I never knew you were saying goodbye. I never understood what was going on in your life at that time. And I feel as though I failed you, but I was fortunate enough that someone else saved you. They say we're close. I don't feel like I deserve my title, even if it's a birthright, because nobody should let someone down like that. For all the times we fought and kicked and screamed at each other as little kids, know that I'm always here for you.

That's one on the list. Check. The other would be the world I've forged for myself, which at the moment is at a crossroads, and after reading some stuff that people wrote months ago, I realize that it's time to move on. That it's time to let go...we'll see if I can manage. There's so much to say, but for some reason it feels like I'm back in highschool all over again. And while this may be the end of sharing my thoughts for the time being, remember what I said earlier, and that is that I never tell people what I'm truly thinking. There's so much more to say...

Let Her Be - Hootie And The Blowfish

2006-03-06T12:02:00.000-08:00

We started out in the early days...

And now we're getting older, but still smiling. At least I am. How come you don't smile as much anymore? I thought you wanted what you're doing. Of course, sometimes people say one thing and mean another.

Me? I found something that's just for me. And it's a thousand miles away. I can't wait. All it'll take is a little bit of work and I can do it. I used to do it all the time, no sweat. That's the funny thing. I never lost my gift at it. I used to write about it...about writing. And I hated how much that woman stole from me by giving my would-be responsibilities to someone else. I think her exact words were, "And if she doesn't know how to do something, you'll show her, but she'll be in charge." Fuck that shit. That was back in the day, and if you knew me back then, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.

I think that experience left a scar on my confidence. But now I've got the chance, the balls, and the drive to do it all over again, the right way. Like I said, life throws me 2nd chances all the time, and I'm here to claim this one like it was a birthright. Because I was damn good. And with some practice, I could be the best. Syracuse, here I come.

I Know You - 3CE

2006-02-24T11:55:00.000-08:00

Impending doom averted...

Score. I think I just saved myself from some serious trouble. It should be interesting to see what happens.

2006-02-15T13:32:00.000-08:00

I was lost, but now I see...

I think I can understand things better now. You can't be expected to comprehend everything if you don't have all the information you need. But I have it now, despite the fact that the manner in which I came to posses this knowledge wasn't the way I wanted. What are you gonna do, ya know?

Figuring things out isn't the joy I hoped it would be. I think that somehow, I might be worse off in the end for seeing the truth of everything now. Then again, nobody ever told me the truth wouldn't be hard. The truth hurts. Isn't that what they say? I think so. I hope so, because then at least this might be normal.

But this sure isn't, at least not in the quantity that I've been consuming.

Oh well. The truth will set you free. That's what they also say, isn't it? Again, I hope so, because then all this turmoil I'm going through on my own won't be in vain. At least I'll have something to show for it, Besides the scar I carry now. So much time wasted, so much more to go, and in the end, I don't know where I'm headed. The open road is beckoning. "Wide is the gate, and broad is the path, that leads into temptation." Yeah, that open road. Because when everything is said and done, I don't think the other road is an option anymore. Nice job, Gabriel, nice job.

2006-02-12T13:49:00.000-08:00

I do have a conscious...

It seems the things we think about a lot in the back of our minds come to pass. Shit, I just had this talk with Scott about the christian ideology of, "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he." I'd say I don't necessarily agree with that 100% but maybe what it means for me is that whatever I leave brewing in my mind will eventually manifest itself. They say you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it, and it would appear that recent events are proof of that.

I did something selfish yesterday. Better said, I did everything selfish yesterday. I'm glad I did what I did to get kicked in the hallway. I'm glad I called my cousin. I'm glad I got wasted. On a more sensitive note, I'm glad we talked. We'll still be friends. Because something I could never bring myself to say out loud but could easily type here is that nothing that serious could ever revert to just being acquaintances. I'd call us friends, even though I can't say it to you.

Relax with the give me back,
Red Hook where we livin' at.

John Trent gave me words to live by yesterday. He said, "Act cool." Act cool? Damn straight. Just act cool. I've made my comeback. And I couldn't be happier. I do have a conscious, but it's as though it's finally in harmony with what I do. Life just doesn't get any better than that.

On a closing note, it's not arrogance if the 10 minute rule is in effect.

Definition - Blackstar

2006-02-09T01:00:00.000-08:00

Typing drunk proves difficult...

I might be an alcoholic. Fuck that though, because at least I'm living life to the fullest.

I wonder what life would be like if I'd left my junior year for San Diego. Sometimes I wish more than anything that I had gone. I stayed for a girl, and that was the biggest mistake that I ever made. I realize that now. If I'd left, I'd be in SoCal right now living it up. Who knows though, it might have been hell.

Sometimes I wish I could go and live with my sister. I just might when the time is right. Think she'd have me? Think there's a Best Buy near her home that would allow me to transfer? That'd be awesome.

I'm really wasted right now, and if a particular few called me to ask what was up, I'd spill a little too much information. I think Mel called a little while ago and I gave too much info to her. But I love her like an old, old, old, old sister who is annoying and always a biyatch, so it's all good.

"Just keep it out of my department." Oops.

Anyways, there are some things that I don't need to think about right now, and I know this blog will divulge into them if I don't stop writing right now so fuck it. Actually, before I quit, I just remembered when we went paintballing and I got a phone call in the afternoon when we were finishing up. That changed my life, and made me who I am today. I'd say that one summer forged more out of me then any single time in my life before, even sophomore year of high school. And those of you that know, that was a fucked up time in my life.

Somebody used to sing the words, "You will never know." Yeah...you'll never know. Fuck it. Let's get this party started.

Actually, before I go, just remember how crazy the summers have been, and then look forward to how grateful we all will be when it's here again. That's when I'll be free from these chains. Or maybe it's just an illusion. I pray that's not the case.

Big Pimpin' - Jay-Z

2006-02-08T23:14:00.000-08:00

"Lie to cover your tracks..."

Damn straight. But not forever. I was cleaning out my car the other day, exchanging stories with my dad and realized that I can tell him more than I ever could before. I told him about this one time in high school I drove home wasted from a party and he just sort of smiled about it, knowing that those sort of things happen and they surely happened to him back in the day. Recently, while we were driving, he was telling me a story about when I was born and busted out with, "You know, when I was your age, I didn't think I'd live to 25." That was amazing to hear, and I love my dad more for having the courage to tell me what he's gone through.

I don't have to cover my tracks anymore. Others will fuck up and ruin things that they have, but I've got a smile that you can't take away. And if you ever try, there will be hell to pay. Reputation? Pride? I say fuck it. Those are just things that hold you back from doing what you want. Me? I just want to be happy, and nothing is going to keep me from that. Fuck what the world around me thinks, because I'll do and take what I want.

I Try - Talib Kweli

2006-02-08T03:15:00.000-08:00

My friend said something while he was drunk...

And it epitomized the truth of what we all feel. He said, "Anything that is beautiful that I can't control, I want to destroy."

I couldn't agree more. That's how we all feel. And I think he has more courage than anyone I know to admit that, even if he was wasted. Los ninos y los borrachos dicen la verdad.

My Immortal - Evanessence

2006-02-05T12:10:00.000-08:00

Gabriel drinks a lot of alcohol, hilarity does not ensue...

Yesterday was not cool. Okay, maybe it was, but this morning was definitely not. And I'm still not out of it. I'm fairly certain I'm still drunk. And I have to drive home to Renton in a bit to do some laundry and watch the Superbowl with my dad. Note to self: Fuck chugging alcohol when you are tired and have a cell phone in your hand.

I don't work today, thank God. Or Scott, because he makes the schedule. But I think I have a history paper that's due Tuesday. Fuck that, I'm not getting out of bed today for anything besides getting more chips while watching the game or having to throw up. Anybody with me on that? We'll see. On a closing note, I want to be on "Wild 'n Out" someday.

Brenda's Got A Baby - Tupac

2006-02-02T06:27:00.000-08:00

I might be young, but I've got a Ph.D. already...

In fact, I think I might be the world's foremost expert on procrastination. It's 6:28 in the morning and I'm just starting my 6-8 page research paper. Granted it's a rough draft and only needs to be 3-4 pages today, but still...

Most of the time I long for people, for a time passed, or for a memory of something that made me smile. Few times do I wish for a place physically. I miss my old apartment so much though. I was listening to John Legend a little bit ago, and it made me remember so much of the past 8 months, and it wasn't a good thing. So much was so good back then, and I gave it all up when I moved out of there. That apartment facilitated my livelihood, and I loved everything about that place. I've been thinking already of where I'm going to go when the year is up here in August of September, and I have even considered going home to my parents' house. It's a scary thought, but with some negotiation, I think it could actually work out. It wouldn't be long term, just maybe 6 months or so. That is, if they'd have me.

I don't know if any of this makes sense, and it might have something to do with the little amount of sleep I got or the insane amount of Rockstar I just drank, but it's what I'm feeling for the time being. I want to talk to a few people, especially those 2 who make everything better: Sabs and Kara. Actually, just superfriends in general make things better. I can't understand how I managed to get through the shit I used to into without them around to help me through it all.

I'm tired, so please forgive me if anything is misspelled, sounds repetitive, or just plain doesn't make sense. I want some donuts. On an unrelated note, I am thinking about what this spring break will entail, but also planning ahead for the summer. I've been thinking about getting a second job and just work my ass off all during that coming time. It'd be nice to have some extra money to take care of things but also for the impending senior year in my near future. If I can manage to stay afloat, this time next year will be my last quarter. Pray for me, I think I'll need it. And maybe by that point, if I'm not back home, I'll at least be back at my old place, living it up like the days of old.

She Don't Have to Know - John Legend

2006-02-01T13:26:00.000-08:00

It's my dad's birthday today...

I called him already to wish him a pleasant day, since I work in about an hour and 15 minutes so I can't go home tonight. He's a good person, and I love my family more than they'll every know.

I've been accused of being a secretive person. But I do talk. I talk a lot, you just have to know when to listen.

Everything is disjoint right now. How can you feel alone and overwhelmed at the same time? How can you want a hamburger and a salad at the same time too? It just doesn't make any sense. I've tried to figure everything out, to fix what I've broken, but it just doesn't seem to fit. I wish I knew how to make the world a better place for me and those around me, but it seems it's systematically set up to make things difficult. If I could go back to the start of last summer, I could fix everything, I know it. I know everything would be better if I'd had enough foresight to steer things in a different direction. Maybe some of my life could have stayed the same.

Sabrina says it's that I'm growing up, and that's what sucks. I think I'm inclined to agree. Who knows? Oh well. Happy Birthday, Dad.

Precious - Depeche Mode

2006-01-24T01:30:00.000-08:00

My perception of reality is all fucked up right now...

Courage doesn't matter if you never get the chance. Just like having a million dollars doesn't matter if you can't spend it. Shit, that's how I feel right now. I've got a million dollars in the bank but I can't fucking spend it. Go fig.

Sometimes I wonder if I've made the right choice. But then I see it doesn't matter, cuz I'm already here, and need to move on with my life. I'll figure this whole thing out soon, and I know that I've got a helping hand to aid me. Word.

So Far Away - Staind

2006-01-18T19:57:00.000-08:00

For all of their faults and sins...

People are God's most amazing work. There is something to be said about all the things in this life I regret. Among them I'd count the ruin of several alternate lives, both who I could have been and what might have been with other people. But I realize that isn't what I was meant to be. People are people; be who you are and nobody else. I can look at myself in the mirror and smile, lay my head down at night and sleep contently, and look into your eyes and honestly tell you everything will be okay.

The Chronological Solution is impossible. You are where you are in this lifetime, and only patience and acceptance will get you forward. Know that with every breathe I take, I remember the beauty of what was, and work hard to make it resonate in what will be, because I've learned my lesson. While my actions might not seem like it, remember that nobody is perfect. And that might not be an excuse, but it's who I am.

They say hindsight is always 20/20. I say you're only responsible for what you know. Nobody ever knows where exactly they'll end up if they take certain actions. Life is about risks, about finding out what works and what doesn't by trial and error. And anyone who judges you because of a supposed mistake you might have made is just too afraid to try life for themselves. Life isn't a spectator sport, so be proud of yourself for getting off the sidelines, even if your team lost. There's always next season.

I suppose I still fear certain things. I know failure is inevitable. But then again, it's only one side of a coin, for which the other is success. It's got to come around some time, so just keep the faith and you'll win eventually.

I Will Follow You Into The Dark - Deathcab For Cutie

2005-12-29T11:20:00.000-08:00

For now, this is what you've hit.

Like those that came before, I know that everything comes to an end. In this case, it's been initiated by those around me who have malicious intent. Only a close handful have the right to know what's going on in my head. They say closed off is the word to describe me. I'd say I'm always prepared and protective. And for good reason too. I'll be back though, when the scales have tipped in my favor. Until then, don't come here, or anywhere for that matter, looking for a clue as to what's going on in my head. The best part is that all this has happened before, and practice makes perfect.

Back In Black - AC/DC

2005-12-22T01:17:00.000-08:00

Wishin' it was...

Or not. Somehow, everything is perfect right now. I hadn't drank in 6 days. That's the longest I've gone since January without drinking. Is that bad? Fuck it, I don't care, because I feel back in control of my life, and I feel like the world is full of possibilities.

Considering all that has happened in the last few days, and where the world may take me, I can look upon the world and smile. Especially when I realize that my crimes against myself have only turned to thin air, and not manifested themselves into the ghosts of my conscious that I thought they would. The world loves me, and I love life to the fullest. I think I'll call myself the Golden Child. Like I said, the world is looking out for me these days. Go fig that it would turn out to be okay after all the useless stressing out. Crazy shit, I tell you, crazy shit. But in the end, I still smile. And I couldn't be happier for the way things have been since last week. Not too many as lucky as I am. Big pimpin' in all sense of the word, because life loves me and I'll love her back.

Nasty Girl - Notorious B.I.G.

2005-12-20T11:17:00.000-08:00

Use it or lose it...

So they say. I have to do something. I've regretted my actions before, but now I just want to take some sort of action. Anything.

"If there's one thing we know about humanity with certainty, it's that they are masters of self-destruction." The same has been said of myself. I suppose it goes with the territory, even if I'm scared shitless of my genealogy. I have to face the facts, and that is the world doesn't stand still while I hide out in my room. I need to talk to some people right now.

I think that maybe I don't fear failure, but rather judgment. And that, my friends, just may be my salvation. Fuck what the world around me thinks, because I'm the one who has to live with the shit that I do. If you don't like what I have to say, stop reading. If you want to help, just smile at me and let me do what I have to do.

There Goes My Baby - The Walkmen

2005-12-19T14:34:00.000-08:00

I'll be quiet...

You know how you just want to tell people who bitch and moan all the time to just shut the fuck up? Well, I have to follow my own advice. Like I said, all my problems are my own doing. I need to shut the fuck up because nobody needs to hear my problems when they've got their own. Besides, why do I complain when things could be so good if I just let them. Why? Because I don't ever learn. I.Q. doesn't mean shit if you don't use it.

People say I'm closed off. I think I talk too much. There's a fine line between talking too much and saying what needs to be said. Maybe I don't do either. None of this makes any sense. It's frustrating, because the solution to all my problems is the one thing that isn't an option. I'm not a horrible person, I'm not! I'm not. I'm not?

No, that's for me to decide. You'll judge me any way you want to, so I have to be the one to make a call and live with it. Nothing in this world can make me change except for myself, and I sure don't see that happening anytime soon so I need to shut the fuck up, quit complaining, get shit in gear and get my act together.

Strangers In The Night - Cake

2005-12-17T14:25:00.000-08:00

I'm just a fool...

Or so it would seem. Think before you speak. For crying out loud, think before you act. I'm not a good person anymore. I used to think that somehow, in the end, I was a sincerely good person. These days, moral ambiguity runs rampant, and the fine line between extenuating circumstances and plain excuses has been blurred.

My sister is in town. It's always good to see her. I have to admit that I wasn't too nice to her when she was here in June for my brother's graduation. Maybe because things were easier back then and I took her for granted. Now that these times have hit the rocks on the shore, it's nice knowing that she's around to help me help our family out. I hope she knows that I care about her no matter what the situation though.

I need to stop giving people advice when I have trouble getting my own shit together. Of course, there are a few things that are consistently there for me that always make things okay. Without say, there's Superfriends. But aside from that, there's my girlfriend who has to be the most amazing person I could have ever encountered. She's my sunshine. All I need is to think about her when I'm down and things are all better. I hope she understands just how much I love her. Love is a crazy thing, and I frankly welcome the insanity. She's all I want for christmas.

Earth Angel - Death Cab For Cutie

2005-12-12T12:11:00.000-08:00

Sorry doesn't cut it...

But I am. I don't show things well these days. I have my reasons. I'll explain to you, and you alone, as soon as we talk. There's nothing more to say here because your ears are the only ones I want my words to fall on.

2005-12-07T01:21:00.000-08:00

I'm scared right now...

I've been accused of being secretive. Some say I talk too much and have a big mouth. Still others don't know how to classify me. I guess my own opinion of myself is the only one that really matters. I'm struggling to define myself using my own words. It's not as easy as you might think.

All this was spawned from me watching a commercial. I fear my own genealogy. It's not a pretty picture. It's like a flood seeping its way into your home underneath the barricade you've constructed. There's only so much you can do to protect yourself against mother nature before she takes the course she's determined to steer. Mine is coming up to the rapids, and I don't know how to swim.

If it weren't this cold, I'd jump in Greenlake to avoid a confrontation.

Like I said, I'm scared. Once something is done there's no taking it back. The past is unchangeable and the future is still uncertain. I don't know if I believe in God anymore. I'm pretty sure I don't, but humanity likes to have hope in something, even though it's dangerous.

I know what actually spawned this blog; I remember my inspiration now. I feel as though I have a few lives that I live, but primarily there are 2 of them. And I feel as though the one I thought I left behind is calling me back for some reason, and there are elements of the current one I don't like at all. Primarily where I light my hearth. It's not conducive. People from before have been coming out of the woodwork to ask my where I've been. Where ya'll nigga's been? Shiet...all hiding out and shit. Oh, wait, that's me. Or is it? Did I run and hide or did I just move on? Inhaling thrills through 20 dollar bills isn't my cup of tea anymore. I have things that most people could only dream about, and now the world comes crashing down on me. There are walls still standing strong, for which I'll call myself Samson and hold up with all my strength to keep in tact. Case in point, the girl I've given my heart to and fallen for. I love my girlfriend, and she's part of the new life and world I've constructed for myself. Yet here comes the old, beckoning me to return to my roots, and I haven't even gone that far. I won't let go of her without a fight. I love her.

And yet the world at large keeps calling me. The past is like a dead weight, trying to keep my head under water. Let me go, you had your chance, and now I'm trying to forge a new life for myself and those I love. You let me go without a hitch, and now you want me back, World? I don't think so. it doesn't work like that. Then again, why am I even having this conversation? It's no contest. I've found people who care about me and they're sticking around, no matter where I end up.

Where have I been? Where have I been? Where have I been?

Here. Or there. Around. And now is when you pick to come back into the picture? No thank you, World, no thank you. I kept my receipt, and it's still within the return policy. Have a nice day. 1/2 my world is in shambles and 1/2 is perfect. I am trying desperately to figure out if I want to fix the fucked up part by stitching it up with my own being, or cutting it loose forever. Wait, I already made my decision months ago. Once something like that is gone, it's gone forever. Or is it? I thought that it was already out of the picture, but look at me, I was wrong.

2005-12-05T20:17:00.000-08:00

There isn't a lot to say these days...

Life is pretty simple. And depending on where you look at it from, I suppose it could be said to be alright. There are some things I seriously wish I could change. Others couldn't be better. So all in all, I'm fine with life right now.

On the negative side, the line, "...I've become what I always hated, when I was with you," comes to mind. It's a Death Cab For Cutie lyric that feels fitting. It has nothing to do with anyone but myself though. I've been pretty lazy lately. Too much partying and not enough working or studying. I just need to get things in gear. You'll see. Winter Quarter doesn't stand a chance against me.

Shalom, nigga. I want the Postsecret book. I also want the Star Wars Chronology book. It's dope. Tells the story of all the Star Wars Universe, going back like 50,000 years before the movies and hundreds of years afterwards. I think I want books for Christmas. Reading is fun, when it's not assigned or on a deadline. Anyways, I need to do some situps and go running. Anyone want to come? Call me.

Lai Joy, sorry I haven't called you. My friends and I go to pho' all the time, and I'll give you a call next time we go. We can catch up.

Phenomenon - LL Cool J

2005-11-29T11:29:00.000-08:00

It would seem that two wrongs made a right...

I made a gross miscalculation in regards to how grossly I miscalculated. So I think everything will be okay. But then again, I've made mistakes before. As I got home this morning, all the way until a few minutes ago, I wanted to run. The map was calling my name, and I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to follow in the steps of my predecessor. I admire him for the sacrifice made, but sadly, don't think I have it in me to do the same. I'd like to think circumstance keeps me here, but like I said, I've made mistakes before.

The Geographic Solution hasn't crossed my mind in almost 2 months. I suppose it wouldn't do any good though, considering the problem in my life is me, and I can't get away from myself no matter how far I go. I think the scariest thing is that everything around me is set up so that it's okay for me to keep failing. Not monumental failures, but rather, bit by bit. I told you it was scary.

There's a glimmer of hope in all this, and that is when I think about the fact that despite all my failures, there is someone, besides family, who cares about me. Of course, hope is double-edged, and the flip side to it is that I know it'll be gone sooner than I want it to be. The other side of the Atlantic is her destination. But I'll be here, waiting. I just hope she comes back.

2005-11-20T14:47:00.000-08:00

Blahdy blahdy blah...

Maybe I should write later.

2005-11-19T00:11:00.000-08:00

Alcohol makes me pensive...

Or maybe it's my lack of crayons. I don't know right about now. I was reading some earlier posts that were written maybe 7 months ago and that is probably what created this pensive state. Probably not the best idea considering alcohol brings out the honest side in people.

Regardless of how good things might seem, it's a sad thought to know that some people have struggled for so long to make it, only to fall into shambles and disarray right before the finish line. There are some things in life that bring about sincere sadness...

Among them is the thought that your best isn't good enough.

If you can relate, then sock it to you. If not, then maybe you should get to know me. I could school you on the notion of failing. I've failed at all ventures thus far and nobody up to this point could prove that things are changing. We'll see where this page in life leads me to. I have idea, and it's down south. Either back to my parents, or down to southern California.

Hey Melly Mel, are you going to need a roommate?

Yeah, life's crazy right now. Consider yourself lucky if you got to read this post, because I'm probably going to delete it when I sober up. Damn.

2005-11-17T12:25:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was not a good day overall...

Of course, there's always today. And tomorrow. Matt and I agreed the other day that, "There's always tomorrow to do what you need to. Do what you want today." I think that's an okay way to live. Actually, it seems that's how I live already. The recklessness of youth doesn't become a problem unless it continues and grows into the irresponsibility of adulthood. I've still got time.

Yesterday sucked because of inconsistency. My dad made me an offer that enraged me because it's like the police saying to a crack addict, "Want a hit?" It got me so mad. He's all about being on time and shit, and then when I said I wasn't going to go because I didn't have enough time to get ready and shower, he said, "Well, we can be a little late, I'll wait for you." You have no idea how mad that made me. If you'll wait for me now then what the fuck was the point of all those other times for the last 21 years when you got mad at me or the rest of the family for being late according to your watch, which might I add is always unnecessarily fast.

I know it sounds silly, but that's seriously what threw me off for the rest of the night. You might think I'm blowing it out of proportion, but seriously, it's just so contrary to how he always is that it's frustrating. It's like, if Joseph McCarthy had been like, "Well, I suppose we can have a few communists in the country," right after he fucking blacklisted your whole family. Get me?

Seeing the captain though, she put a smile on my face. I honestly don't get mad at that girl, even if she doesn't believe me. I really just wanted to see her and know that she was doing alright. Anyways, I woke up this morning not really knowing where I was for a minute, because so many people kept waking me up throughout the night. It was a little scary. Kara threw a blanket on me before she left and I knocked out on the couch.

I suppose today will be better. I need to get a few things done before I go to Kung-Fu, but it's not too stressful of a day at all. I think I might finally go to the store and pick up some things that have been lacking around here. And then of course, there's my bed that is calling my name. Maybe a good book (the assigned kind unfortunately) and my bed are the perfect combination for the rest of the day.

I think there's an apple cup party that I'm going to this Saturday night. Sounds like fun. But sadly, all I want are some crayons right now.

Time Of Your Life - Green Day

2005-11-15T00:12:00.000-08:00

I think I get it all now...

My sister told me, "Everything works out in the end." I realize now that people have this fairy tale misconception that good equals the end. Not so. But bad doesn't always equal bad. Does that make any sense? I don't think so.

Typing on this keyboard is pissing me off because I keep hitting the wrong keys.

I just read something that made me realize how things can end in a bad way, but it still be good. It's like when the bad guy in a movie dies. It sucks that somebody had to die, but c'mon, he was the bad guy. I feel that way right now. Maybe I was the bad guy. Crazy, I know.

I Will Follow You Into The Dark - Death Cab For Cutie

2005-11-10T13:43:00.000-08:00

The English might have bad teeth, but they've also got Kate Beckinsale.

Yeah, I'd have given up having braces just for her. Anyways, we got paid early this week. I'm headed to work in a bit to pick up my check. I also need to figure out some shit with finances and then make sure I eat before class tonight. I wanna shower right now too. I slept in my new bed last night. It's definitely nice, and roomy. I love it, but I just have to get something to put down on it to soften it cuz it's a bit too firm. Anyways, I'm just pissing around until I have to actually get up and do something productive. I went to class this morning, then came home and went back to sleep. I'm becoming like Kimberly. I need to get up.

I Don't Wanna Be A Playa - Big Pun f/ Fat Joe

2005-11-08T13:29:00.000-08:00

Exchange rates change every single day...

It would seem that the rate of everything else changes daily too. At least in the way that one tries to balance the scale. These are some fucked up measures. At least that is if you ask me. Because nothing balances out. But then again, you didn't ask.

People don't really ask much these days. I suppose the smile and the "Doin' just fine" is usually sufficient. Most of the time I like that. It's a give and take though. People leave you alone like you want, but then they assume shit about you that just isn't true. There are 6+ billion people in the world; not all of us are the same or conform to human behavior. Call me savage then, because maybe I am.

The sun is shining right now, but it's nearly freezing. I think I like the contradiction.

My mom is a wise lady. She told me once that los ninos y los borrachos dicen la verdad, roughly meaning that children and drunks tell the truth. I suppose that the romans said the same thing. En vino veritas. Ain't that the truth. Because in the last few months of our drunken adventures, people have been forthcoming with me and told me exactly what they think of me.

I'm arrogant. I'm cocky. I'm a jerk. I'm mean. I'm rude.

But if they could see the real me, they might understand that there are two sides to every story. The might see that everything has it's inverse. But nobody bothers to look that closely. Or maybe I'm too closed off. Maybe I don't let them look that deep. My dad is also a wise person, and he taught me that emotion is a weakness. Why show other people why you're distraught when they have their own issues to deal with and won't give a damn about your own? There's no point.

I know why I do what I do. I know exactly why I am the way I am. I've concerned myself so much with figuring out who I am and why I do what I do that I think I've lost the power to change any of it. Those who can do, and those who can't...well, we just sit here idle.

I'm pretty sure that people are mad at me right now. To tell you the truth, I'm not mad. Even if I was, I let it all go real quick. Anger serves no purpose if you're not trying to salvage something or save yourself. I think I might have let myself go a long time ago. All you see in front of you is the shell of the boy you used to know.

The Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice

2005-11-06T11:17:00.000-08:00

The more shit I give you, the more I love you...

I give my sister a lot of shit. But I appreciate all that she's taught me. Probably the one thing I remember the most that she always would tell me is that "things always work out in the end." She was right, because somehow, they just do. Maybe the definition of the end is when everything is alright.

Yesterday at Sabrina's was a lot of fun. We got pretty wasted but I still felt fine at the meeting this morning. I had a huge post in my head yesterday, all ready to talk about everything that was going wrong, but then people went and made my day.

Don't Go Away - Oasis

2005-11-04T15:15:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if last night clarified anything...

But I haven't had so much fun in ages. Running from the cops had to be the highlight of the night. We weren't even doing anything that bad, but what do you know, Kara manages to get us into quite the situation where we ran all around Gasworks Park hiding from them. It had been a long time since I'd done that, running from police, but we faired alright.

No showers required. Haha, that was pretty funny too.

Like I said, I don't know if yesterday clarified anything necessarily, but I feel a million times better now after it all. It's like every time I'm with her, it renews my feelings for her, even stronger than I felt before. Like I was falling for her for the first time all over again. That girl is amazing.

Time Is On My Side - Rolling Stones

2005-10-24T12:20:00.000-07:00

There can be no redemption...

Am I really beyond salvation? Sometimes I think so. Times like today. I would like to think that I am a good person, but somehow I don't get that feeling inside myself. I mean you no harm; it's just who I am.

So my birthday was this past weekend. I'm 21 now. I've bought a lot of alcohol as of late. Big surprise? Not really, if you knew me and the next generation of Superfriends. Kara, Sabrina, Andrew and Adam all made my birthday memorable. And let's not forget Mark Nielsen.

The last few days have blurred into one another. Maybe that's why I took initiative. Fine time to be assertive, Gabriel. I'll just chalk it up to the fact that I have bad timing. Damn straight. But you know what? You know what comforts me right about now? The fact that even after all this, we're not even. I think I can live with that.

I'm happy. My friends have made it so. I can look in the mirror again and be content with who I see looking back. I owe that to Sabs and the Captain.

The Red - Chevelle

2005-10-17T13:17:00.000-07:00

I'm rollin', rollin', rollin'...

Everything's alright. I can breathe a sigh of relief. Got a bunch of shit taken care of this weekend, and had a good time Saturday with the banquet and then at Andrew's. Sunday was cool, waking up late, working later and P.I. until the early morning practically.

I drank 2 energy drinks in the course of 30 minutes and I was ready to run a marathon afterwards. P.I. was cool, and I hope we came out on top of where we were at with shrink. That check will be much appreciated.

It's nice that people know now, because it's not like we have to keep shit a secret anymore. Everything is alright. She makes me smile.

Candy Shop - 50 Cent

2005-10-14T11:16:00.000-07:00

I know there's a big world out there...

Like the one I saw on the screen. Trouble is, I never have the strength to take it on. I can handle things one at a time, but multi-tasking isn't my specialty. It's been raining a lot lately. I've been sleeping a lot lately. But really, I wish I was out there in the rain. I love the rain, contrary to what most people think of it. I haven't been writing much because as of late, I think I have everything I need. She makes me smile and somehow, makes me feel like I can wash away all my shortcomings tomorrow and just enjoy today with her.

Banquet this Saturday. Took the day off and Lulu is going with me. Should be some good food. I haven't gone to it in years, literally. It's a nice time, and time spent with my family. I appreciate them more than I did when I lived at home.

I guess I've still got to figure all this shit out and get back on track. It's been three weeks and I'm already tired. Go fig.

California - Death Cab For Cutie

2005-10-11T22:22:00.000-07:00

I forgot to pick up some stuff at work today...

But I can get them tomorrow. So I overslept and totally missed all my classes. Oh well. I'm going tomorrow though, because I'm sleeping my 8 hours like the good boy that I am. Shut up. Anyways, yesterday was fun. The four of us went to Alki and got wasted, then walked around the shore. I don't think we've all made that many lude jokes in the course of 2 hours ever before. It was all fun though.

And liberating.

So I've got a girlfriend for the first time in nearly 4 years. Sounds weird saying that. But it feels good. Anyways, life is all good right now actually. The last 24 hours have put a lot of things at ease with me. Tonight, after work, I came home, cleaned up, then went to eat at Tai Tung. I can't help but feel like my father's son when I eat there. It's like it's hereditary or something. I feel all grown up eating there, because back in the day my dad would take us, and now, at 20 years old, I take myself. That might sound silly, but nothing could be more true. I love my family more than words can say.

"C". That's just for you.

So Sabrina and I came up with the most appropriate saying ever: "Cuz she's fucked up like that." We were dying of laughter. I can't believe I never saw that sitting right in front of my face before. It fits so well. Good times.

Rainy Days - Mary J. Blige

2005-10-08T09:33:00.000-07:00

It's just never that simple...

Or maybe it is, and that's what complicates everything. God, I don't know anymore. But I can't travel backwards on my path of life, that's for sure. I won't let myself. It's a forward ride from here. We'll see where it takes me. But that place might not be where I want to go, because I'm just not fucking good enough.

Don't Go Away - Oasis

2005-10-07T14:21:00.000-07:00

So I didn't make it to any classes today...

But I had a good excuse. I was hung over. C'mon, you know that's a good reason because you know your ass wouldn't have gone either. That said, I have to be at work in an hour. I hope I don't still look like I had a hammer fall on my face.

School is okay. It's taking its usual course of me not liking it and it not liking me, but we've learned to work together over the years, school and I. It's a love hate relationship.

So the real issue at hand is that I'm pretending. Pretending to be something I'm not. I want to say things, act in certain ways around certain people, but a promise makes me hold back. I think it might be starting to get at me. You shouldn't hide something this big, this sincere, and this honest. Funny, pretending something honest doesn't exist. Weird.

Yesterday was quite the day. Woke up, went to class, bought 2 posters and got a 3rd one free, then came home and thought, "I am already tired of my room's arrangement." So, I took a proactive approach to the situation and changed the whole thing in about 3 hours. Then I hung them up, with the poster of Angelina Jolie now adorning my wall. Yeah, you're jealous. Anyways, then I went to Kung-Fu, and afterwards, quickly went to my parents house, scarffed down some dinner and then came home with Kimberly from Renton. From there, cleaned up a bit, waited for Angela, then headed out with her, Adam and Andrew to what was supposed to be a movie night downtown but got closed on us so we headed to Andrew's where we proceeded to get plastered. Anyways, a slew of events followed, including reading articles out of FHM and Playboy to the girls and getting their thoughts (good times), Harry the Husky, a big lawn chair, Super Smash Bros. on N64 and finally, getting water thrown on me. After that I came home I think, because that's the last thing I remember at Andrew's. I left all those guys there with some others who came later and the next thing I knew, it was 9:33 am and I was in my bed. I missed like 5 calls and 5 texts because I was passed out. Funny messages though.

Anyways, that about sums up the last 24 hours. And now for the next 9 or so I'll concern myself with getting ready and working at Best Buy. Happy Day.

Time Of Your Life - Green Day

2005-10-03T15:52:00.000-07:00

There is some fiction in your truth...

And some truth in your fiction. At least that's what I'd like to think.

I'm going to pre-order the PostSecret book. That site is amazing, and it always makes me think. As crazy as some of them are, and while I might not have experience exactly what they're talking about, I feel a connection to ever single one I read. It's incredible, and if you haven't checked it out, I recommend you do.

I hate school, I hate to work(but I love my job), and I hate deadlines. But something about all three make me feel productive. I guess you can't live without them.

My typing skills are quite shitty right now. It's almost like I'm drunk or high, but I'm neither. Well, I guess I know what I'm doing tonight. I love living away from home. The "new" apartment is finally starting to feel like my home now. I think it helps that there are more of us; it contributes to that sense of family, even if it's artificial and surrogate.

I think I'll swing into work today and pick up some movies. I need to buy some things that have been on my list for a while now too. Pay off a few bills. Get a few essentials. Went grocery shopping yesterday and I'm now enjoying some O.J. and Wheat Thins. Why the hell did I just type that? Seriously though, among the things I need to buy which are large and on my long term list is a bigger bed. I want to rearrange my room, but I'm holding off so I'll just have to take out the old one and fix everything the way I want it the at the same time I get my new one.

I'm writing because I'm putting off reading and doing homework. Like I said, I hate school, but at least I'll do something with my life because of it. If I won the lotto tomorrow, I'd be on a one-way trip outta here with her by my side to wherever she'd want to go.

Song 2 - Blur